Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Nation in Distress

Listen people, listen very close: WE ARE A NATION IN DISTRESS. We have people losing their minds. We have become a nation of absolute wimps! You are getting soft. What’s wrong with you? Seriously. We are in a tailspin and it’s making me dizzy. Some of you are absolutely nuts. Wacko. Off your ever-loving rocker. 

Do I start with the present or go to the past? Ok, I will go to the past and come to the present. Why? Because I am the one writing this piece you noob. 

Some years ago we felt the absolute need for kids to wear helmets while biking. But, it didn’t stop there. What else? Elbow pads, knee pads, gloves and of course … while riding with training wheels and one helicopter parent on either side. Seriously ridiculous. Now, if you feel the need to wrap your children in bubble wrap before sending them down Magnolia Lane, go for it. What is Magnolia Lane? It’s the street I grew up on. And, there was a big hill. Perhaps had I worn a helmet I wouldn’t have these crazy ideas I have now. Had I not taken a spill or two on that hill I would have probably ended in some hallowed hall deep in the University of Minnesota creating new ways to protect ourselves from ourselves. But, alas, too many hits on the head and I ended up a college dropout living in sunny Arizona with a lifted Bronco to drive up and down the insane hills in the gorgeous desert. And, spending time with or without guns touring the underbelly of our city while trying to simply make a difference. 

So, if you want to wrap your cherubs in bubble wrap so they can ride on the super flat sidewalks of Phoenix while helicoptering on either side of them, go ahead. It’s entertaining for us to watch. But, do not make a deal out of it should my children choose not to while racing by you with their hands over their mouths in shock at your behavior. It’s ok. Really. Don’t feel bad. Toughen up. Don’t raise losers.  

Speaking of losers, from where did the notion come that no one can lose? Or, that losing is somehow evil or bad for the children? We have a whole generation about to hit the real world thinking that even those who lose get a trophy. Last I checked, the winning team gets a trophy. Yep. Only one team wins a Stanley Cup. Only one team wins the World Series. Only one team wins the SuperBowl. Maybe we should have a game with the 0 & 10 Cleveland Browns playing the 1 & 9 San Francisco 49ers. I bet the stadium would be full! People will flock from around the world to watch then. Yeah, that makes a ton of sense. Wake up people!! There is no trophy for everyone. Sorry. Additionally, some people make more than others. Some people get ahead and some do not. Some people are more gifted than others. As one man told me recently, “Suck it up, buttercup!”

Sorry, in life sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. That’s just the way it is. Actually, I am not sorry. Really, it will be okay.  You don’t need to go and pout. No need to go to your safe space. 

“Safe Space”. Safe Space? What’s this? Some dysfunctional university somewhere decided that when we are in emotional or other distress we must go to a safe space. It caught on. All those people who didn’t get trophies are feeling sorry for themselves. If someone hurt our feelings we have a place to go and feel sorry for ourselves. What the world? Seriously, this is absurd. Sometimes life is tough. Clearly, you are not.

As long as I am writing this and being unfair to whole classes of people at once, why should I stop there? Let’s open another can of worms, shall we? Here we go. Hang on tight. Ready? You cannot “choose” your gender. You can choose the pants you wear. You can choose the shoes you wear. You can even choose to wear your pajamas to Walmart. That’s fine. You cannot, however, choose your gender. That’s not fine. It just doesn’t work that way. Biology has made you who you are and that’s just the way it is. Period. And, don’t use the wrong bathroom. That’s just weird. Stop it! You cannot elect to frequent the bathroom you “identify” with. 

Speaking of elect, shall we touch on the election? I was wondering if I should just skip this portion. Maybe I should. If you stop reading right now you can believe that I did. Go ahead and move on to your InstaChatAGramFaceSnapTwitterBook and post your latest meal. 

But, if you decide to read on you will see I did not. 

I will make this really simple. We have an electoral college which elects the president. Both candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump knew this and built their campaigns to win these electoral votes. Yep! They really did. Otherwise why would either one campaign in Minnesota? Or, Michigan? Or even Arizona? These are flyover states for so many of you. In fact, you think the people from these states are backwards. You think they are one class above a southern hillbilly. But, let’s not get into that. They are people too. And, these people wouldn’t have been part of this election nor had the opportunity to meet these candidates if the electoral college didn’t exist. The candidates would have only campaigned fighting over the urban voters in the populous states. But, with the electoral college there is a danger in that. You see, there are a number of swing states. And, these states shift from time to time from a blue state to a red state or from a red state to a blue state. And, the candidates each gauge which ones they are more likely to win if they decide to campaign there. Or, they choose one which they think can swing in their favor. It’s a really cool system. And, if you want to learn more about it go search the google. But, do not click on the conspiracy nut jobs who post their nonsense. Instead, find a good source. 

And what’s with the pins? It’s kind of strange. I think it is fitting those who are protesting are using a diaper pin for their symbol. Maybe it will keep the diaper closed and the crap out.  

Suck it up, Buttercup!


A Proud Deplorable